Welcome to the gallery of the weirdest, worst, and funniest pickup lines I’ve been subjected to throughout my life.

1. “I was impressed by the elegance of your parser.”

   This took place in a computer lab in college. I had written one hell of a parser in C++. The line got points for originality, however, don’t go out with someone based off one original line.

2. “I’m Latin… I speak Latin.”

   This gem came from a drunk guy in a bar in Minneapolis. He refused to believe Latin was a dead language, insisted he spoke it, but when confronted with some actual Latin phrases, he buckled under the pressure and fled.

3. The ever popular “Nice rack”.

   Why oh why does anyone realistically think this will ever work. With the entire lexicon of the English language before them, this is the best they can come up with. Crack a book, take an improv class, put in a little effort.

4. “Hey you have red hair. I have red hair… so our kids will have red hair.”

   Other than a really uncomfortable way to start a conversation, the weirdness factor is that it was said to me twice by the same man on two different occasions. He said it once in college, and then several years later I ran into him at a gym, he didn’t recognize me and said it again. Then got really unnerved when I told him it didn’t work the first time, why did he think it would work again.

5. “See that…that’s paper mache.”

   I was at LACMA wandering through galleries and stopped to look at a painting with a layered paint affect. The artist had created an almost three dimensional effect with adding layers of paint. All of this information was also available on the placard next to the painting. This guy comes up to me and tells me how it’s created with paper mache, and refuses to believe otherwise. According to him both me and the placard were incorrect. I told him he could stand there and be wrong, then left.

6. “I read auras, and yours is shit brown. I can fix that for you.”

   Oh regale me with your flowery prose. I was just having a drink with a friend, and apparently my “damaged” aura drew him to me. When I declined he told me it was my loss. Some how I’ve survived.

7. “OMG you’re so white… I mean like really white.”

   Thanks for telling me, I had no idea, even when I practically burn to a crisp. I prefer pale, and yes I am pale, but pointing out my lack of pigment isn’t a good conversation starter.

8. “You’re cute enough, but we need to do something about your hair.”

   No, no we don’t. Take your negging some where else. I think he hoped I would respond with questions about what he thought was wrong with my hair instead of “what the actual fuck is wrong with you”.

9. “You’re reading The Hunt For Red October. I thought everyone read that by now.”

   Please interrupt to tell me how I should have read it earlier in life. While he didn’t criticize my literary choices, he had issue with my timing which really didn’t make me want to chat.

10. “I’d really like to take you out.”

    I was walking back to my car at a gas station, a guy comes up to me out of no where and says this. Overall it was just creepy. No introduction, just the one statement about what he wants. I’d really like to not be accosted in parking lots. I channeled Bobby Hill.